Sales is not my thing. It involves interacting with people. And when dealing with people, i.e. customers, things start getting complicated. Customers are unpredictable. Customers are demanding. Customers can turn ugly at the drop of a hat. Customers generally assume that the only reason you were put on this earth was to serve them.
“Our customers are the lifeblood of this company and don’t you forget it!” the boss said the other day, giving the staff one of his lengthy sermons. “Our customers pay your salaries so treat them with courtesy!”
If anybody knows our customers, it’s Bertha. She’s the company’s most experienced, and hardened, salesperson. She’s been on the sales floor, as a supervisor, for over 30 years. During the course of her career, she has witnessed the ugly underbelly of human nature all too frequently. This has turned her into a bit of a cynic.
“Customers are pigs,” she would often say dismissively. “That’s my opinion anyway. Sure, you get the nice ones, but they’re few and far between. Most of our customers are whiners. Whingers. And potential kleptomaniacs. If it’s not nailed down they’ll probably steal it. In sales, you need eyes in the back of your head.”
I bumped into Bertha the other day at the coffee machine. Usually, if I see her coming, I do a swift U-turn or dive into the nearest office to avoid her. The woman is intimidating. She’s not the kind of person you’d spend a few minutes exchanging idle office gossip with. Most of the staff are terrified of her – especially the sales staff who work under her.
But the other I was unable to avoid her (we arrived at the coffee machine simultaneously), so I decided to make an awkward attempt at smalltalk.
“Hello, Bertha. How’s it going these days in the sales department these days?” I tried to sound lighthearted and chatty.
She scowled at me. “Ever been in sales?”
I squirmed a little. “Well, no. But I do know that the customer is always supposed to be right. Isn’t that one of the cardinal rules in sales?” I added brightly.
“Are you crazy?” she scoffed, slamming down her coffee cup and spilling hot liquid all over my shoes. “The customer is always wrong. We only allow the customer to think they’re right. Makes ‘em feel important. Boosts their ego. Calms them down. Butters them up. It’s a pain in the butt but it’s good for business. You learn to live with it.”
“Oh. So even though they’re wrong, you still try and be nice to them?”
Bertha glared at me. Her beehive hairdo quivered with indignation. “Nice? Who said anything about nice? In sales we’re polite and courteous and even try to be humble – but never nice. Nice soon wears off after a couple of months. Being nice to a customer just doesn’t cut it in sales. ESP might help, though,” She snorted.
“ESP?”
“Extra … sensory … perception,” she enunciated the words slowly as though speaking to a dimwitted child. “Mind reading. In this business it helps if you’re clairvoyant. Our customers expect it. In fact, they demand it. Most of them have difficulty making their needs understood. They just assume that we’re able to read their minds.” She rolled her eyes at the ceiling.
“Er . . . speaking of difficult customers, I’ve often wondered . . . how do you deal with . . . angry customers?”
“Ah, angry customers.” Bertha sighed with satisfaction. “Dealing with irate customers is my speciality. Whenever there’s trouble on the sales floor my staff call me immediately. I have my set rules when dealing with belligerent customers.”
“Rules?”
She nodded curtly. ” Rule Number One: avoid making sudden, jerky movements. It sets them off and makes them downright hostile. You soon learn to recognize the danger signals of an agitated customer getting out of control. Believe me, if you don’t nip it in the bud it soon escalates into something really nasty. It’s easy to spot the danger signals: red face, bulging eyes, flecks of spit around the lips, swollen veins appearing at the temples or neck, shrill voice, vulgar language, verbal insults and, inevitably, physical threats.” She rattled the words off like a machine gun.
“Rule Number Two: When a customer starts getting aggressive, I humor them and agree with everything they say. This often calms them down. By the way, I tell my staff never to use foul language or rude hand signals in retaliation. It’s a futile exercise and will very likely get you fired.
Don't Show The finger
Also, you gotta avoid eye contact – the customer takes this as being confrontational.”
I nodded.
“Rule Number Three: As a matter of policy, I always keep a safe bodily distance between me and an agitated customer. This stands you in good stead if things get really out of hand.” She snorted with derision. ” Let me tell you, I’ve never allowed a customer to goad me to violence, though heaven knows I’ve had plenty of reason to strangle quite a few. But it simply won’t do. If one kills the customer, it is very definitely bad for business.” She chuckled.
“Any more rules?” I ventured.
“Final Rule: If you’re physically attacked by the customer, it’s best to lie down and play dead. It’s hard for them to fight with someone who’s not fighting back. If that doesn’t work, I usually resort to Plan B.”
“What’s Plan B?”
“Plan B?” she said gravely. “You call security and run like hell.”
Tags: business humor, Irate Customers, office humor, Sales humor
