Credit control is an ugly business. It is probably one of the worst jobs in any company (Yes, there are worse. Like Customer Complaints, for instance).
Doris, our credit controller, has been doing the job for almost 10 years now and it’s taken its toll. The woman is a wreck. She cries every morning on her way to work, has a bottle of tranquilizers on her desk, and a bottle of scotch in her bottom drawer. To help her through the day. I guess you could say she’s lost faith in humanity. “People are such liars,” she mutters sadly every time she puts the phone down on another delinquent customer. “They promise to pay, and they never do. I’m so tired of all the lies.”
Doris reported in sick on Monday. Actually, her therapist reported in on her behalf. Doris, he said, was not in a fit mental state to talk to anyone at present – let alone the company’s debtors. Her job had taken its toll, he said. Doris, he warned, was like someone fighting in the trenches for too long. She was shell shocked. She was battle weary. There is, after all, only so much stress a human being can take before cracking up, he added. And Doris, in his opinion, was dangerously close to that point. He implored the boss to transfer her to another department before she suffered a complete emotional breakdown. The boss slammed the phone down on him. “He should do my job for 5 minutes, then he’ll know what stress and warfare is all about!” he growled. “Goddamn pansy!” he snapped as an afterthought.
So while Doris was recuperating from battle fatigue, I was told to do her job. It took five phonecalls to wayward debtors to realize she was right: they were vague and evasive, made promises they had no intention of keeping, and lied through their teeth. (Why hasn’t this bill been paid? Sorry, I forgot. But we send you a reminder every month, and have made six follow up calls. I forgot -okay?) Trying to squeeze money out of these wily dodgers is like trying to catch a slippery fish in a scum pond with your bare hands.
Our company policy on collecting overdue bills is pretty straightforward. The training manual suggests making forceful, but courteous calls. Forceful, I agree with. Courteous I don’t.
So I gave it some thought. And it seemed to me that the company should rewrite it’s debtors policy, and hire a new breed of credit controller altogether to get better results. For example, I think that any company would do far better following the Mafia business model of debt collecting.
Gangster: I want full payment by next Tuesday, plus 100% interest for my inconvenience, got that, Joe?
Joe (sweating and swallowing hard): G-g-got that.
Gangster: If you ain’t got the dough by Tuesday, I’ll break your kneecaps, blow up your car and cook your rabbits. Got that?
A new breed of Credit Controller
You can bet your life Joe gets it. It’s a quick and forceful message that drives the point home immediately. No frills. No BS. Just pay – or else.
If companies adopt that kind of debt collection strategy they would see immediate and amazing results. Sure, you might end up alienating a few people, but who cares? Who needs that kind of customer anyway? Word will soon get round: Don’t F*** with that company or you’ll end up sleeping with the fishes. Now that’s forceful.
