The office can be a dangerous work environment if you’re not careful, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I received a memo from our newly appointed safety officer just the other day:
General memo to staff: Please read the following safety suggestions and warnings carefully to avoid possible injury.
The Hidden Dangers of the Swivel Office Chair.
Anyone who uses an office chair with castor wheels (which is 98,5% of all staff, by the by) must be careful not to lean back too far as they’ve been known to tip over backwards. This may result in a rather nasty, and 
potentially embarrassing, spill – as was recently witnessed. Some of you may remember, last week Helga, the new Temp Girl (the one who wears the tall stiletto heels that are, in themselves, a serious safety risk) leaned back in her chair, lost her balance and fell over backwards, flailing her legs wildly in the air like a beetle on its back. It was not only dangerous – she might have been concussed or otherwise seriously injured – but also extremely undignified and embarrassing (especially for a woman wearing a mini skirt as she was).That is why it is essential to treat swivel chairs with utmost caution. (they have also been known to slip out from under you just as you are about to sit down).
Hissing and Spitting Coffee Machine.
Will everyone please take note that the office coffee machine has become a potential safety threat of late. The machine is malfunctioning at present and seems to have developed a mind of its own (yes, it is computerized, therefore it has artificial intelligence, so take this threat seriously). I have received reports that it tends to hiss and spit vicious puffs of scalding steam when attempting to place a cup or mug under its spout. Be warned, this may cause serious burns to the hands.
The Potential Danger of Toilet Stall No 2.
Attention all ladies: the door latch of stall number 2 (that’s the second stall on your right as you enter the ladies restroom) has been known to jam of late. The building janitor has been notified but the latch has yet to be replaced. As we all are aware, Mavis from HR was stuck in the ladies for a whole hour on Tuesday before summoning up the courage to scream for help. If Jones had’nt heard what he described as a ” horrible wailing sound” which, by the by, he at first assumed was an alley cat in season – Mavis may not have been rescued for hours. Her ordeal was bad enough as it was, she had to be administered a tranquilizer and was sent home for the rest of the day. So ladies, please avoid stall No 2 until further notice (even if you are desperate “to go”).
Dealing with Dangerous Customers.
After the nasty incident the other day when Smith from Sales was rather brutally attacked by an irate customer and beat badly about the head with her handbag, I thought it prudent to issue the following safety precautions
Do not attempt to handle violent customers yourself!
when dealing with angry customers. Be sure to keep a safe bodily distance when dealing with aggressive customers. Angry customers have been known to be extremely unpredictable when aroused, and may pose a serious physical threat if the situation is not handled properly in the following ways: (1) Try to resolve the complaint or cause of irritation amicably (safest option).
(2) If that’s not possible, try to placate the customer in any way possible. For example, by offering a complete refund, or substantial discount, or a bunch of freebies.
(3) If that does not calm the customer down, call for a senior co-worker. supervisor or manager to take over and handle the situation.
(4) If no senior is available or, if you are the senior, and the situation is getting out of hand, call security.
(5) Step back at least 5 paces and allow security to deal with the situation from there. Do not, I repeat, do not involve yourself in any scuffle or physical violence that may ensue.
Tags: business humor, Irate Customers, office humor, Office safety
